Title: Size Doesn’t Matter

Author: Caer

Author's Note: Let me explain the motivation behind this fic, before you email me and tell me I’m a nutbar. There is a fic contest called Tripefics. The point is to write the worst fic you can and it must conform to certain bad-taste standards. The category I entered was:
Saucy Video Cam Award (worst lemon)
** most improbable genital size for teenage boys
** most improbable positions for the boys to get into during sex even if Trowa is an acrobat
** lack of use of lubricant (owowowowowowow!!!)
** weirdest thing used as lube just because it's in a tube
Ahem... so this is why this particular fic is so strange. Enjoy.

Rating: R

Warnings: Yaoi, Lemon

Pairings: 3x4

Status: Complete

Disclaimer: Feedback is so desired. Don't own anything. Not making money, just losing sleep.

~~

"Oh Trowa, Trowa! God yes!!! I'm coming!!!"

"I just want you to look at this schematic Quatre. Don't get all excited."

"Oh... sorry."

Quatre walked over to look at the blueprint. "Mmmmm yes, that's perfect."

Quatre then jumped the poor unsuspecting pilot and began to rub against him shamelessly. Trowa was immediately turned on of course, but pushed Quatre away.

"Quatre... what?"

Quatre immediately looked absolutely terrified and backed away with tears in his

eyes."I'm so sorry Trowa. I want you rabidly, but I was afraid if I told you, you would hate me. I thought if I jumped your bones, you would come to love me."

Trowa smiled.

"It's ok Quatre. The truth is, I get absolutely stiff as buckram every time you walk into the same room with me."

Quatre sighed in relief. "Cool!" He proceeded to tackle Trowa to the floor.

"Wait Quatre, there's something I have to tell you. About why I'm so self-conscious about getting undressed."

"Trowa, if it's about your past life with the mercenaries. I know Trowa. It's ok. I don't mind that you were raped. Don't worry, once we've fucked like bunnies, all your pain will melt away like magic."

Trowa stared at Quatre in shock, then burst out laughing. "Oh dear... Oh my... Quatre, my little uber-kink, I was never raped."

"No?"

"Of course not."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Well, you see, no one can get into my pants but me."

"Kinky. I know you're flexible... but two heads are better than one eh?... eh?."

Trowa shakes his head vigorously. "No no no... you see, these pants are special. They keep my secret. A secret I've been hiding for a very long time.

Quatre's face scrunched up in agony. "Oh no...You're a woman aren't you?"

Trowa slapped his forehead, nearly skewering his own hand on his bangs as he did so.

"No, of course not."

Quatre sighed in relief. His sexual frustration was rising though. He sat down and started humping Trowa's leg for want of something to keep him occupied. "Then why won't you fuck me Trowa?" Quatre eagerly tries to unbutton Trowa's pants. Trowa snatches his hands away. "Good god, Quatre are you trying to die?"

"Trowa... must get laid now!"

Trowa pulled his leg out of Quatre's libido-driven grip. "No Quatre. I'll show you what I mean, but you have to stand back."

Quatre obediently stood back, waiting for whatever was so damned important that they couldn't bonk all night.

Trowa turned away and carefully unbuttoned his pants.

And promptly fell over.

Quatre stared in awe at the amazing sight before his eyes.

"Good Allah, Trowa you're HUGE!!!"

"Yes... see, there's a reason I wasn't first choice to pilot Heavyarms. With all the genetic mutation the scientist were testing out, I was the unfortunate victim of genetics gone terribly wrong."

Quatre just stared...

And stared...

And stared...

Trowa was really feeling self-conscious now. "Um Quatre."

Quatre shook his head as visions of Heavyarms shooting (instead of missiles) well-endowed Trowas filled his head. His hard on was absolutely epidemic now.

"Time for the leather and whip cream sweetie" He mumbled.

"Quatre!"

Quatre then looked at the impossibly tight pants that were now pooled at Trowa's

ankles."I don't get it Trowa. You can't even tell with those pants."

"I know." Trowa set his 'not so little' deformity on a table so he could stand upright."Dr. H created them specially for me. He got the idea from Dr. Who. You see, the inside of the pants are actually in another dimension."

"Of course!" Quatre cried excitedly. "That explains Heero's gun!"

Trowa thought about this.

Quatre pouted.

What's wrong little one?

"It's not fair. I wanted to be Uke. Now I can't can I."

"Um...Not unless you have a pan-dimensional ass, no."

Quatre made a mental note to find those scientists.

"So I have to be Seme."

"I'm afraid so."

Quatre's eyes widened. "But Trowa, we can't do it missionary style. You'll be

crushed.""You're right."

Next Scene. In space, zoom in on window of a space shuttle. Both boys are naked, floating in zero gravity. Cut to inside shuttle.

"Good thing, this just became a movie, so we could just cut." Quatre said. "I don't think I could have waited."

"But Quatre, we cut so fast, we forgot lube."

"Well fuck." He looked around and grabbed a generic looking tube. "This will have to do."

"Um... What is it?" Trowa looked on nervously, moving his 'unlittle' problem aside so he could see.

Quatre read the tube. "Space rations... Raw oyster paste."

"That's just nasty."

Quatre clamped onto Trowa "Shut up. It works. Besides, oysters are an aphrodisiac"

"If you insist."

Quatre lubed up and entered Trowa in one completely painless thrust.

"By the way Trowa, this is my first time."

"Mine too."

Then they began to move, even though they had absolutely no leverage in Zero-G. "Oh Trowa, Trowa! God yes!!! I'm coming!!!"

"I just want you to look at this schematic Quatre. Don't get all excited."

"Oh... sorry."

Whoa!!! Weird circular fic. I just couldn't stand writing any more, so I ended it "Soylent Green" style. I feel dirty and used just for giving in to this Tripe. (hangs head in shame) Oh well, it gave me a reason not to finish my other fic. Well, back to work.

Hope you really hated this!!!

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