- Unbeta'd. Just trying
to get writing again. If I've made any really dumb mistakes, please
let me know. Otherwise enjoy!
-
- Edit: Already found a
glaring error. Guh. It's been so long since I've written. My bad.
-
- Soul of a Healer 3
-
- Ryuichi sat at his
keyboard, writing. He had bits and pieces of a song floating
around. After this morning's emotional outburst, he was desperately
trying to find a way to express everything he felt inside about his
friends gentle self destruction. Tohma seemed never to see it. He
just continued to lock himself away from everyone as he slowly
disintegrated.
- The Tohma Ryuichi
loved was in there somewhere. But between the recent divorce
combined with the appearance of Shindo-san in Yuki Eiri's life and
whatever ghosts still haunted him, Tohma was becoming lost. Ryuichi
wanted to find him. Wherever he was, he wanted to be there, if not
to take the pain away at least to share it. But Tohma was tricky.
He rarely opened up. It was like looking for a lost soul in a
dream. When you thought you had found him, he would disappear and
there would be new higher walls.
- Even when he seemed to
be open, somewhere underneath, he was already building a new wall.
If he was good at anything it was obfuscation and manipulation. But
Ryuichi had hope because he also knew how to hide. It was his
favorite game. He knew what it was to be scared and to hide. He
knew how to have barriers too. Tohma had protected those barriers.
Enough so that Ryuichi knew he could drop them when he wanted to,
safely.
-
- Ryuichi would do the
same and more for Tohma if he could.
-
- He was broken out of
writing by a knock at the door. He set his pencil down and got up,
approaching the door and turning on the camera that viewed outside.
Sighing in relief as he realized it was Shuichi and Yuki Eiri. He
unlocked the door and put on a smile, as well as a pout.
-
- “Shuichi never
visits anymore ne!”
-
- Shuichi bounced in.
“I'm sorry! We're getting ready for a new tour! K won't let me
go!”
-
- After vigorously
hugging Shuichi, he turned to Eiri, sobering.
-
- “Eiri-san,” he
stated simply, moving aside, suddenly unsure. He had made progress
with Tohma. But a visit from Eiri could undo all of that. That's
what was so painful about Tohma's devotion to the writer. His
unrequited love was just another brick in Tohmas seemingly endless
walls. Looking at the door, he swung it a few times before closing
it. He couldn't throw them out, they were friends. But what if
Eiri broke Tohma again?
-
- Shuichi grabbed the
older singer's hand and smiled at him reassuringly.
-
- “Yuki-kun needs to
talk with Tohma. It's important.”
-
- In that uncanny way of
his, Ryuichi realized that Eiri wasn't a threat this time.
- “Eiri-san, Tohma is
probably sleeping. He's in the back bedroom. Go say 'hi' kay?”
-
- Shuichi dragged
Ryuichi over to the piano in the meantime. Eiri took a sharp intake
of breath as he caught one brief look of intense warning from
Ryuichi. Gone was the childish persona, replaced by the almost
feral look he had onstage.
-
- “Don't you dare hurt
him,” he growled softly before the singer turned to follow the
younger boy. Yuki recognized the look. He had seen that same
intensity and protectiveness in Tohma's eyes a hundred times over.
He snorted and walked to the back room.
-
- “You're writing a
new song? Can I see, can I see?”
- Their voices faded
into the background as he entered the room.
-
- Dusk light filtered in
through a crack in the curtains, painting the bedroom in shady
oranges and browns. Ryuichi’s bed was quite large and it made
Tohma look disturbingly small, nestled within the piles of covers,
though he had regained some color since Saturday. Yuki approached
him quietly, sitting on the chair that had been placed beside the
bed. There were empty strawberry pocky boxes on the night-table,
as well as several coloring books. Typical.
- Yuki looked Tohma over
critically. He looked a sight better than he had in the hospital.
He was still pale, but he didn’t look as ashen as he had. His
head was still bandaged, and there was a disturbing tint of brown,
making Yuki wonder if Tohma’s dressings needed to be changed. The
man looked boyish without his usual garb. It disturbed Yuki. He
had never seen Tohma look this helpless and fragile. Somehow, Tohma
had always managed to exude strength. Yuki had never imagined that
Tohma might be hurting, and yet with all they had been through…
-
- He reached forward
tentatively, brushing Tohma’s hair back and smoothing it down.
Tohma stirred and he opened his eyes. Still full of sleep, they
squinted until they fixed on Yuki. It still took him a minute more
before he recognized the writer and he opened them fully.
-
- “Eiri… is
everything all right?”
-
- Yuki’s hand stilled
in the soft blond hair for a moment and he sighed.
- “Is there always
something wrong when I come to see you?”
-
- Tohma looked around,
still getting his bearings, before his eyes settled on Yuki’s and
cleared, becoming steady and sure.
-
- “No. Forgive me
Eiri. I’ve been a little bit out of it since the accident.”
-
- Yuki’s eyes
narrowed.
- “Someone tried to
kill you.”
-
- “Mmm.” Tohma
nodded. “To be honest, I can't say I'm surprised. Do they know
who did it?”
-
- “They arrested
Taichi Aizawa.”
-
- Tohma’s eyes became
hard.
-
- “Really? I should
have dealt with him more thoroughly I think.”
-
- Yuki looked down
darkly.
-
- “Don’t act so
tough. Let the police handle it this time.”
-
- Tohma’s widened in
surprise.
-
- “Eiri…”
-
- Yuki looked down and
ran his hand along Tohma’s chin, holding his head.
-
- “You can’t be
responsible for everything Tohma. Let go.”
-
- Tohma closed his eyes
and turned his head to the side. He smiled sadly.
-
- “Maybe you’re
right.”
-
- “Tohma.”
-
- Tohma looked up. He
gasped as he was caught in an intense gaze. Eiri’s eyes were
hard, and forceful. Tohma rarely saw him like this. His grip had
tightened on Tohma’s neck.
-
- “If you get killed
doing something stupid, I’ll never forgive you. There are people
who want to protect you. Don’t piss them off by trying to handle
it all yourself again.”
-
- Tohma couldn’t look
away from Yuki’s hard gaze. Such beautiful eyes. There was so
much power in that gaze. Tohma felt himself unable to argue.
- “I.. I’m sorry
I’ve worried you Eiri.”
-
- “Hmph. I’m not
the only one.”
-
- Eiri looked at the
door, causing Tohma to look as well. He could hear Shuichi and
Ryuichi talking in the other room. They sounded like they were
tearing the place apart. Tohma smiled. At least they were here at
Ryuichi’s house and not his own.
-
- “He really loves you
Tohma.”
-
- Tohma smiled. “I’ve
ignored him for so long. I really am lucky to have such a good
friend.”
-
- “You should tell
him.”
-
- Tohma looked at Eiri
curiously.
-
- “Tell him what?”
-
- “You should tell him
about what happened. You never did, did you?”
-
- It took a minute for
him to really register what Yuki meant by that. He watched
carefully as he saw the blue eyes go from confused, to realization,
to utter terror. Tohma sat up, ignoring the dizziness that assailed
him.
-
- “No! I never would!
Eiri!”
-
- Tohma held Yuki’s
shirt front, his brown eyes wide and scared. Yuki caught his
shoulders and pushed him back down.
-
- “Shut up! Tohma.
You'll bring those idiots running.”
-
- Tohma did as he was
told, surprised at the strength behind Yuki's voice. A warm hand
was on his chest, holding him down. The power behind that hand kept
him from speaking more. Tohma could see the pain of remembrance in
Yuki's eyes. He wanted to do something to stop it, but Yuki's gaze
alone stopped him.
-
- “You never really
even told me.” Yuki said softly. “What you did that night.”
-
- Tohma licked his lips,
nervously looking away.
- “I... I took care of
things, Eiri. You don't need to trouble yourself with that.”
-
- He was the one in the
position of power now... not Tohma. Yuki studied Tohma's eyes
carefully. He could clearly see the fear within their depths. It
annoyed him, that he hadn't seen it before. Had he been so terrible
a friend? So selfish?
-
- “When it gets quiet.
And I can't force myself to write anymore. Even five years
later... I still see them. I still see that apartment.”
-
- “Eiri...”
-
- “Is that why you
bury yourself in work? Is it why you surround yourself with noise?
Music? Business?”
-
- “I...”
-
- “You still see them
too don't you?”
-
- “Eiri no. It's
nothing compared to what you...”
-
- “But it
isn't nothing Tohma!”
-
- Yuki turned, his hand
sliding up Tohma's chest, back to cup the soft skin of his chin.
Yuki leaned down over his ex-brother in law, touching his forehead
to Tohma's.
- “It isn't nothing,”
he whispered. Tohma trembled under him. He swallowed dryly. Eiri
was so close. He could feel the heat of his breath as he spoke,
quietly but powerfully.
-
- Tohma stuttered.
-
- “I... I can tell
you... if you...”
-
- “No. I don't want
to know.” Yuki said softly, his deep voice going a little bit
hoarse as he gazed into the blonde's eyes. “It won't do either of
us any good.”
-
- “N... no?” Tohma
gasped as Eiri's face moved even closer to his. Those eyes... he
was so close. Oh god.
-
- “No.” Yuki
answered and finally tilted his head and kissed the blond.
- The room was quiet for
a moment as the soft sound of lips meeting only barely breached the
silence of the darkened room. Yuki pulled away slowly, looking at
Tohma's eyes. It was there. He could see it. It wasn't just
desire. He cupped Tohma's neck softly and kissed him one more time
before moving to whisper in the man's ear.
-
- “Thank you Tohma,”
he said softly, gently. “For what you did for me. Thank you.”
-
- He pushed himself away
and stood, fishing his cigarettes out of his breast pocket. They
were somewhat crushed. Damn. He took one out anyway, placing it
between his lips but not lighting it. He stared at the door.
-
- “I don't know what
you did. I don't want to know.”
-
- “Eiri.” Tohma was
still stunned. There was nothing to say. He simply watched as Yuki
turned toward the door.
-
- “Our absolution is
sitting in that room Tohma. They're fools. They may not
understand. But they'll love us.” Yuki moved to the door,
opening it. “Tell him, Tohma. For me. Tell him.”
-
- And he was gone.
Tohma stared at the door, briefly listening to Yuki as he yelled
something at Shuichi. Voices grew further away and there was the
sound of a door shutting.
-
- The door opened slowly
and Ryuichi slipped in, trying to keep the light from falling onto
the bed to disturb his friend.
- “Tohma. Is
everything all right?”
-
- Ryuichi approached,
slowly, gasping as Tohma turned to him.
- “Tohma! What's
wrong? Did he say something bad to you?”
-
- “No, Ryu.” Tohma
smiled.
-
- “But you look so
sad. You look. What's...”
-
- “Kiss me.”
-
- Ryuichi stopped his
questions, reeling in surprise. “Huh?” It had been said so
softly he wasn't even sure he had heard it. He moved closer.
-
- “Kiss me. Please?”
-
- Tohma sounded so lost
in that moment. The turmoil in his eyes made them shimmer like
water. Those walls were gone. Ryuichi didn't hesitate. His eyes
lost their childish owlishness and became hard and purposeful. He
moved forward and leaned over, placing his hands firmly in soft
blond hair as he leaned down and tasted Tohma's lips. They were
soft this time, and pliant. They gave easily and Ryuichi opened
them with his tongue, moving to crawl over Tohma on the bed, trying
not to disturb his wounds, but wrapping around the man like a living
cocoon. Tohma moaned as he gave into the kiss, knowing that this
was what he wanted. Maybe it would hurt. But he couldn't ignore it
any longer.
-
- He would do anything
for Eiri... including this. Even if it destroyed him.
-
- Ryuichi slowly moved
back, his tongue slipping out of Tohma's mouth slowly, regretfully
as he moved back. Tohma had turned he head away, but even at that
angle, Ryuichi could see the deep resignation and sadness in the
blue eyes. He moved to kiss Tohma again, but a hand against his
chest stopped him. He moved back, waiting.
- “You should get
comfortable,” he said lifelessly. “I have a lot to tell you and
when I'm done, you'll probably want me to leave.”
-
- Ryuichi opened his
mouth to argue, but he was stopped by Tohma's long fingers digging
into his wrist.
- “Just please
understand Ryuichi. That no matter what I say now, that I truly do
care about you. I would do anything not to have to tell you this.”
Tohma's voice cracked a little, but he maintained his composure,
before taking a breath. Even as he did it, the emotion left his
eyes and the walls went up again.
-
- Ryuichi understood.
It was finally time.
-
- “It's about what
happened in New York back then isn't it?”
-
- Tohma nodded. After a
few hesitant starts Tohma finally began to tell his own story.
Something he had never told anyone, even Mika.
-
- Yuki drove silently
toward NG studios. His lover was strangely silent, looking over
some papers he had snatched from the piano before they had left
Ryuichi's condominium.
-
- “What is that?”
-
- Shuichi hugged it
lovingly.
- “It's some of Ryu's
scratch paper for a new song!”
-
- Yuki sighed. “Shu,
you know him. You don't have to collect his things like a groupie.
Hell you're practically as well known as he is.”
-
- Shuichi ignored him,
sniffing the paper. “Mmmmm, it smells like him.”
-
- Yuki sighed. He
pulled up at the door of the studio. Suddenly he turned and was
startled to see Shuichi grinning at him, that damn happy puppy look
in his eyes.
-
- “What?”
-
- Shuichi squeaked and
jumped into his lap, pushing him back and kissing him before smiling
again.
-
- “You did a good
thing you know.”
-
- “I'm not so sure.”
Yuki replied. “Sakuma Ryuichi is not the most stable person.
I've never met someone more unpredictable, and naive. If he can't
handle it, Tohma could end up worse off.”
-
- Shuichi shook his
head. “Sakuma san is not as naive as you think. He sees more
than he lets on.”
-
- “Does he? Or have
we all just fallen for his act like the rest of the world.”
-
- Shuichi sighed and
kissed his boyfriend. “I have faith in him.” They kissed once
more. “I'll probably be home late. Between K and Suguru I don't
expect a lot of sleep for the next 2 weeks.”
-
- “K will bring you
home?”
-
- “K or Hiro but we
might sleep at the studio if we don't end early.”
-
- “All right. I'll put
dinner in the fridge.”
-
- Yuki watched his lover
go inside the building before pulling away. Finally able to smoke,
he pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, hesitating for a
moment before deciding to call K. Damned if he was going to let
them take his boyfriend for two weeks before a month long tour. If
K wouldn't listen to him, he would appeal to Tohma to give him a
break.
- “Yo. K here,” the
blond answered as Yuki pulled onto the freeway.
-
- “Look, I know that
you have to rehearse, but I'd appreciate a little time with Shuichi
before you go. Can't he practice on the bus?”
-
- There was a pause.
“Are you serious? After Tohma's accident? We canceled rehearsal
this week.”
-
- Yuki frowned. “Did
Suguru call it?”
-
- “