Title: Rearrange the Pieces

Author: Caer (caerfreeREMOVETHIS@tde.com)

Author's Note: Well, I was trying to think of a difficult and almost unheard of pairing and I came up with Tohma and Shuichi and this idea just started evolving in my head. I think that I could put Shuichi with any other character without doing what I did, but not Tohma. Yuki had to be sacrificed I’m afraid, but I do like him as a character (even though he’s a meanie)!!! So I apologize in advance to all Yuki lovers.
So here it is. I hope it flows okay and is believable because that’s what I was going for. Hope you like!!!
Thanks for reading!!! Und, thanks to Jessie and Triste who helped me polish it up a bit. Kisses!

Rating: R

Warnings: Yaoi, lemon

Pairings: TohmaxShuichi

Status: Complete (One Shot)

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

~~

Distraught but numb, Seguchi Tohma stood at the door of Yuki Eiri's apartment, trying to get the courage to shove the key in the lock and go in. The small metal piece had been cutting into his palm for ten minutes now, digging into his flesh harshly as it grew moist with perspiration, even through his elegant black gloves. The cold silent door stared back at his reluctance, refusing to give any answer but silence. Occasionally, the creak of the floor inside signaled movement of the person within, startling the blond out of the fight with himself, but not enough to swell his courage and bring that moist key to the lock.

What he could use was a stiff drink. He wasn't, by nature, a drinker, but the alcohol would help immeasurably to take the edge off. There hadn't been time though, and it wasn't appropriate. It wasn't appropriate at all. He could barely recall the details now, even though it had just happened, his mind refusing to relive something so terrible, so unfair. Eiri's slurred, emotional, cracking voice as he pleaded with the frantic blond.

"Take care of Shuichi for me Tohma. Tell him I'm sorry."

"Eiri, please, tell me where you are!"

"I don't know. Past Aoyama-dori somewhere... the expressway," his voice was confused and slow.

"Hold on Eiri. I'll find you!"

There was no answer though. The jarring sound of a phone dropping and Tohma had quickly called the police.

The blond shut his eyes tightly, still trying to force himself to go through that door. He couldn't though. Not yet. It wouldn't do any good if he was crying.

Finally, he moved a shaking hand to push the key into the lock and push the door open. Inside, a pink head showed just over the back of the couch. Shuichi stood up and turned, a huge smile on his face.

"YUKI! Guess what I... Seguchi San," his raised right arm dropped to his side limply.

Any other time the genki singer would have yelled at the blond for being so bold, but immediately he knew something was wrong. Tohma looked dazed as he stared at the smaller

man."Shindou san, I...Eiri..." Tohma swallowed, but it didn't help. His mouth and throat were completely dry.

"Where's Yuki?" The boy's voice quavered. Somehow he knew. He knew, by the look in Tohma's eyes he knew, but he didn't want to. He wanted anything else. But he asked anyway. The blond looked at him, his eyes filled with misery.

"I'm so sorry Shindou san, there's been an accident. I... I'm sorry."

Shuichi felt the panic build and couldn't do anything to stop it. He screamed in rage and ran at the taller man.

"NO! You're lying. You're lying." He beat weakly at the older musician, who merely held him and let it happen, wishing he could feel it. He would probably have a bruise tomorrow where the small fist continued to beat at his chest, but he didn't care. He deserved it. It was his fault. His fault.

"I'm sorry." He said.

Shuichi's tear soaked face was buried in the expensive feathered collar of Tohma's coat and he bleated out a pathetic 'why'.

"Why? Why Seguchi-san? Why?"

Tohma could hold the tears back no more and he sank to the ground, holding the smaller singer close, for support as much as to support. He sat on the floor and stared at the wall, crying silently.

"I don't know," he said. "I don't know. He was drunk."

Shuichi sobbed, a miserable acknowledgement of the fact. Yuki was a drinker, not an alcoholic, but definitely a drinker. Tohma continued.

"You know how fast he drives."

Shuichi clutched Tohma's thin arms and sobbed even harder. That was all he needed to know. All Tohma could do was hold the singer and close his eyes. Trying to keep the images away. The mangled sports car at the bottom of the cliff, a pale hand hanging out. The bag they took down to collect the body. He had found Eiri at the same time the police did. He watched them bring him back up, zipping up the bag quietly. Even now, he wanted to run and unzip it again, to make sure there hadn’t been a mistake... but it was distinctive, that look of death, like plastic, hardly real. Tohma unknowingly gripped the small boy harder. Tears flowing hard down his pale cheeks.

"I'm sorry. I’m so sorry."

They had both fallen asleep on the hard floor, but it was hardly sleep. One or the other would wake up and shift, trying to get somewhat comfortable, wanting to sleep so they wouldn't have to think about the terrible truth, that Yuki Eiri was never coming back. Tohma felt a little uncomfortable and yet he didn’t, for here was the one person who loved Yuki Eiri as much as he did. As long as the pink haired singer clung to him, he wouldn’t let

go.Shuichi tossed and turned, trying to sink back into the teasing release of sleep, but it wouldn’t come. Finally, he got up and wondered back to the bedroom. Tohma could hear his wailing sobs down the hall. At this point, he got up and left, locking the door behind him and heading home. He knew the boy needed some time alone to grieve and so did he.

When he got home, he immediately locked himself in his own bedroom, though he knew Mika was with the rest of the family right now and wasn’t around to intrude. He went to the bathroom and removed his clothes as he went, throwing the designer silk to the floor in a messy heap. By the time he reached the mirror, he was pulling off his gloves.

He looked dispassionately at the old scars that criss-crossed the soft under-skin of his slender arms. It had been five years since he had touched a razor to the delicate skin, but tonight he needed it. He shuffled around in the cabinet until he found the small box that had been down there forever. Pulling out one of the small blades, he enjoyed the feel of it, much more forgiving that that wretched key.

He stepped into the huge shower and held one wrist out, making a huge long X all the way up to the bend of his inner arm. They went deep, but not enough to be dangerous. He did the same with the other arm. Then he dropped the razor and watched the blood swell and drip down his fingertips, splashing onto the shower floor. The pain was exquisite and he lay down on the cold tile wearily and curled up on his side, watching as his arms dripped the beautiful red fluid onto the tile and down the drain. Finally, the blood loss began to take affect and his eyes began to droop and he welcomed the sweet nothingness of sleep.

~~

Three days later, Shuichi had still not shown up to work. Hiro had gone to visit him and assured that he was in bad shape but that he would be ok. No one believed it, including the redheaded guitar player. Yuki Eiri indirectly had driven the ups and downs of the band; Shuichi was so enamored with the stoic young man. His whole mood was solely based on how his relationship with Yuki was. He couldn't possibly just be okay.

Almost everyone had gone to visit him and had come back thinking the same thing. He seemed okay under the circumstances. He smiled tiredly at everyone, assured them that he was sad, but that he would get things figured out, and when he did, he would come back. He colored with Ryuichi. He stared understandingly down the barrel of K's gun as the blond told him to come to him if he needed anything. He hugged Mika when she and Tatsuha came to visit him and told her that he was sorry, and that they would get through it.

At the funeral, he didn't cry. He bore it with strength and thanked everyone for coming. He even stayed around to talk with people after the ceremony.

Tohma had attended too. He and Mika had arranged most of it and he stood at the side, watching silently. He had spent the past few days locked in his office with paperwork, letting Sakano take care of most of the business. He had barely spoken a word since that night, though he carried on with business as usual. Both Nittle Grasper and Bad Luck had been given some time.

After the funeral, as Shuichi was talking to Ryuichi who cried and offered Kumagorou to the pink haired man, saying it was really sad and that he would need someone, Shuichi had hugged the older singer and declined, but maybe could he come over sometimes and bring Kumagorou to play. Ryu became serious for a moment and nodded, hugging the younger singer back. Shuichi looked up to see Tohma walking by, but stealing a glance at them.

"Seguchi kun!" He walked the three steps it took to get to the blond who was on his way out the door.

Tohma turned and smiled a bit. Shuichi froze. He looked like hell and the smaller man realized that of anyone here, perhaps Tohma was suffering as much as he in a way. After all, they had both loved the man. The blond stared at him.

"Shindou san," he whispered. "How have you been?"

"Okay," Shuichi lied. "I wanted to thank you for... this," he gestured around them, speaking of the funeral arrangements. Every detail had been carefully planned, all the way down to the meticulous flower arrangements. "It's really nice."

The elegant man nodded and looked the boy over, noticing that his clothes hung looser on the already thin frame. From closer up, Tohma could see that there were dark circles under his eyes, slightly hidden by an almost undetectable layer of base make up. He saw the same hollow empty ache in those almost purple eyes that he knew lingered in his own. They stared at each other, sharing the pain that stabbed too deep for anyone to understand, before Tohma broke away and headed quickly for the door.

As he slipped into the cold comfort of his own car, he sighed and rested his head against the wheel. Shuichi had looked terrible. On the surface, he had looked all right, but Tohma knew how to recognize hidden pain. He knew it very well, having both lived it, and watched it on the face of Yuki Eiri every day for the past six years. Shuichi was not okay and he was not healing. Maybe with time he would, but Tohma could almost feel Eiri's cold eyes boring into him, his last words echoing in the blonde's head.

~~

Shuichi closed the door wearily. He felt as if he had run ten marathons emotionally. Not crying had taken its toll on him and he stared at his empty house sadly. Lingering traces of Yuki hung everywhere in the dark apartment, from the couch where he used to sit while Shuichi lay in his lap and talked about everything, to the used teapot that sat on the coffee table from the stoic blonde’s last cup of tea, Shuichi had not wanted to clean it up, all the way to the absent sound of typing.

Something that didn't fit into all of this was the smell of something cooking on the stove. Shuichi moved almost in a daze to where he could hear the sound of shuffling and clank of plates being set out. He walked into the kitchen and stared at Seguchi Tohma who was busy stirring noodles in a pot while he fried up some tofu. Tohma looked over and smiled.

"Shindou san," he walked over and hugged the twenty-year-old lightly. "I'm glad you're back. I was getting worried."

"What are you doing in my kitchen?" The pink haired man asked after he was over the shock of hearing someone else in the apartment again. Tohma held him at shoulder's length.

"You haven't eaten in a while," he said with a hint of worry. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

"Why?" Shuichi asked as he let the tall elegant man lead him to the table and sit him down in front of a plate.

"Because I want to take make sure you’re taking care of yourself," he said, returning to the stove to stir the noodles.

"Why do you care?" Shuichi asked, laying his head on the table, watching the noodles fall onto the plate and then the tofu, and then some sort of teriyaki sauce.

Tohma paused. It would be so easy to tell the singer that he was just protecting his investment, to remove himself from the emotional side of this, but he couldn’t.

"Because I loved Eiri san, and he hated it when you were sad, so I hated it too." Tohma sat down. "I know how you feel... and I know you haven't been taking care of yourself. "Now eat."

Shuichi looked at the blonde's empty place where he sat down.

"You too." He said.

"I'm not hungry," the blond stared at the food on Shuichi's plate in revulsion. Shuichi pushed his plate to the middle of the table and glared at the taller man.

"Then neither am I."

A bit of fire returned to Tohma's gaze as the little pink haired upstart defied him, but it left quickly. He picked up his own chopsticks and reached for a piece of tofu.

"Very well," he waited until Shuichi had picked up his too and they started eating at the same time. When they had almost finished the plate, Shuichi's stomach heaved and he had to concentrate on not being sick. He could see the same reaction on Tohma's face and realized that Tohma hadn't eaten since the accident either. He got up and grabbed two ice-cold glasses of water, handing one to the tall man and taking the other. He gulped down two huge drinks of the stuff and finally his roiling stomach calmed a bit. The blond sipped at his water and watched the younger boy as he panted at the counter, holding his aching

belly."Ugh," he breathed. "I'm not used to not eating."

The blond smiled brightly, laughing for the first time since all of this started.

"I'm not surprised. I've never known you not to have an appetite."

Shuichi was about to take offense, but he looked at the truly amused look in the big brown eyes and smiled himself. The svelte keyboardist got up and pulled a bottle from his pocket, dumping out two pills.

"Before you finish, you should take these." The blond let the two greenish capsules fall into the smaller man’s hand. He looked at them suspiciously, then shrugged and gulped them down, making a face and chasing them with the rest of the glass of water.

"They taste strange."

Tohma smiled. "It’s valerian. It will help you sleep, but it’s gentler on your liver than a Valium. Believe me, I learned the hard way."

Shuichi stared at the keyboardist, a little confused. It was hard to believe that Seguchi Tohma, president of NG and keyboardist for the most amazing band in existence was in his kitchen, fixing him tofu. He fixed the man with curious eyes. It didn't make sense.

"Why, Seguchi san? You never liked me."

Tohma looked up startled. "That's not true."

"Yes it is. You didn't even want me to be with Yuki," the small singer accused.

"You have me all wrong," Tohma replied. "When I told you to stay away, I thought that you were hurting him. You don't understand what he went through. I had to protect him."

"I see," Shuichi said, looking at the floor, not quite convinced. Tohma lifted his chin with one long finger.

"When I saw how happy you made him, I knew I was wrong. That's why I asked him to write a song for you that we could sing. I knew he wanted to show you how much he cared, but he couldn't just tell you. That's not how Eiri was."

Shuichi looked at him, shocked. "You did that?" Tohma didn't answer; he was thinking his own thoughts about Yuki. Shuichi hugged him, bringing him back to reality.

"I was wrong about you Tohma," the blond was startled that the smaller man used his name. He held the smaller boy lightly, suddenly having a glimpse of an idea of what drew Yuki Eiri to such an eccentric young brat. He was actually very honest. Though his emotions were often over the top, they were not for attention. He was a truly compassionate boy.

He smiled when the smaller man tried to stifle a yawn against his chest.

"Come on." Tohma led Shuichi back to the bedroom. He reached in a drawer and pulled out a clean pair of pajamas for Shuichi and pushed him toward the bathroom. "Get ready for bed and I’ll turn the covers down for you."

The boy was far too tired to argue and did as he was told. When he came out, Tohma had dimmed the light and remade the bed. He helped Shuichi to the bed. It seemed silly, but he was dead on his feet now that he had eaten. The valerian was probably kicking in. Plus, he felt a little safer and a little more comfortable with someone there. He climbed into bed and let Tohma pull the covers over him.

"Seguchi san..." he said sleepily. "Why didn’t you tell Yuki?"

The taller man looked at him as if he had just sprouted wings.

"Tell him what?"

"That you loved him?" Shuichi replied. "I wasn’t always around. If you’ve loved him for so long, why didn’t you tell him?"

Tohma replied sadly... "How could I? He would have never been able to accept me because a relationship to me would be too similar to the relationship he shared with the man who raped him."

Shuichi returned his saddened look. "I see. I’m sorry," he whispered, burrowing into the covers. He didn’t deny it. It made perfect sense. Yuki’s past had permanently closed off any chance Tohma might have had at courting the young writer without paralleling that experience. He could always be a close friend, but never a lover.

Tohma stood to go. "Good night, Shindou san."

Shuichi sat up and grabbed his wrist. He didn’t see the look of pain that crossed the blonde’s face as he unknowingly disturbed fresh wounds under the silk red sleeve.

"Wait."

Tohma turned. Shuichi tried to look as pathetic as he could.

"Couldn’t you... stay here tonight?" He became frantic. "I don’t think I can sleep if I’m here alone. Please? The futon is really comfortable!"

Tohma hesitated, but the pouting look Shuichi was giving him was making it hard for him to be annoyed. He was a little like Ryuichi this way. Tohma smiled tiredly.

"All right." He pushed Shuichi back down. "I’ll be in the next room if you need

me.""Can’t you sing me a song first? Please?"

Tohma looked at him in surprise.

"Shuichi," he shook his head, "I’m not a very good singer. You’d be better off singing to yourself."

Shuichi wrinkled his nose. "That’s no fun. Besides, you sing harmony with Sakuma san. You have a nice voice. Please?"

The slender man sighed and sat down, pausing for a moment before his voice broke into the heavy silence within the room. His voice wasn’t as strong as Ryuichi’s but it had a nice timbre to it. Shuichi was surprised though that Tohma was singing"Bad Luck" song. Then the boy realized why. It was a ballad he had written for Yuki one day when the man had been particularly cold to him. Particularly cold as in Shuichi got locked out of his study so he could write. It was a song about unrequited love and longing.

Shuichi felt his chest clench as he realized that the song fit much better to Tohma. He lived that torture every day for as many years as he had been in love with the taciturn man, having to watch him from a distance as he lived and loved, but never able to be a part of it. He started crying again silently, partially for himself, but partially for Tohma. He found himself thankful that he had gotten the rare opportunity to be a part of Yuki Eiri’s life, no matter how brief. Before the song ended, he had nodded off.

~~

When Shuichi awoke, he realized that he had gotten the first real night’s sleep in days. He felt better. The pain was still deep, but the edge was gone. It helped that the sun was shining and there were twittering birds outside his window. It made him feel a little more positive than he had in a while.

The other difference was the warm busy noises and the delightful smell coming from the kitchen. It reminded him of Sunday mornings at his mom’s house. He got up and shuffled to the kitchen to see what was cooking.

Waffles... Tohma was making waffles. Shuichi looked at the golden brown wafers of delectable doughy goodness with awe and admiration. No one had ever made him homemade waffles before. Yuki had been a great cook, but it had been like pulling teeth to get the sullen man to do it, so they ate out a lot... and he never really made breakfast. Entranced, Shuichi reached for one of the treats sitting on a plate and got his hand swatted by a spatula.

"No Shindou san. I'm not finished. Go sit down and I'll bring you a hot one. I'll freeze the rest for you." He said steadily. Instead he was glomped full force.

"Thank you thank you thank you! Tohma saaaan!" Tohma laughed and pushed him off.

"Shindou san, stop. You'll wrinkle my shirt more than it is already." He grinned and pulled a waffle off the iron. "Sit down. He placed the fresh, hot waffles on their plates and sat across from Shuichi. "You didn't have any maple syrup, but we can use raspberry jam instead."

He put a liberal dollop of jam on Shuichi's waffle and spread it a little. Shuichi looked at it dubiously, taking a bite of the treat and licking it tentatively before stuffing the whole thing in his mouth and chewing happily, closing his eyes and licking the last bit of raspberry from his wet lips. Tohma watched, intrigued. Before he had seen Shuichi as potential talent, potential money and quite a bit of nuisance. That's how Eiri spoke of him all the time, a nuisance, loud, obnoxious... and yet the blond was beginning to understand why the sullen man was taken with the little ball of cuteness.

Shuichi did the dishes while Tohma froze the rest of the waffles. Once they were done, they looked at each other awkwardly. Suddenly, they were a lot closer than president and employee and they were both loath to return to the former.

"I have to get to work Shindou san." The president smiled as he put on his coat. "Will you be coming back soon?"

Shuichi nodded. "Un. I think I just need some more time, if that's okay."

Tohma looked at him scoldingly. "Of course it's okay."

"Tohma kun..." The singer shuffled his feet and looked ashamed. "Will... will you come back tonight for dinner?" He looked up pleadingly, to see a shocked look on the tall blonde's face. Then he smiled gently. "Of course. Anytime you need me," he said. "I'll see you tonight."

He let Shuichi hug him again, cripes the boy liked to hug a lot. Then he walked out the door, not knowing what to think. He didn't want to face this alone any more than Shuichi did, but he found it surprising that Shuichi would ask him to come back, rather to running to the guitar player, Hiro, or even K. Tohma had never been particularly kind to him, and though he was determined to make sure Shuichi took care of himself, he didn't expect the genki singer to be okay with it, let alone welcome his company, or his care. He found himself looking forward to dinner with Shuichi.

~~

Shuichi tossed and turned, trying to get to sleep, but he couldn't. This dream had been particularly rough and he felt sick to his stomach. Finally, he went out to the living room to see if Tohma was still there. He had tucked Shuichi in again tonight after dinner and once in a while, the man would stay and get some work done before going home. Tohma had been spending a lot of his time here, now, partially by Shuichi's request and partly to stay near to the memory of Yuki.

He also had made a promise to take care of the singer and Shuichi still hadn't returned to work, so Tohma stayed by him, to make sure he ate and to let him talk if he needed to. Mostly they talked about Yuki... about how he would yell at them when they just walked into his house, but about how they had to or he’d never answer the door. Tohma told Shuichi about Yuki, when he was fifteen and had put double sided tape on all the keys of Tohma’s keyboard before rehearsal. Shuichi told Tohma about how sometimes he would find himself composing songs to Yuki’s snoring.

The talks were good and sometimes Shuichi cried. Tohma would just lapse into silence, but they would be happy just being near each other. Knowing that they shared their love for him. Now, a month after, the pain, though fresh, was beginning to dull.

Shuichi was surprised when he found the blond asleep on the couch. He was still dressed, save for his designer leather shoes which sat beside the couch. He lay on his back, his slender body curving and fitting into the black cushions of the futon. One hand was thrown across his forehead while the other lay slack on his stomach.

Shuichi stared. He was glad that the blond had finally fallen asleep. As much as he had been around, the singer had not seen him sleep once, though they were both eating now. He supposed that the man got some sleep in the early morning hours, or he caught up on days when he didn’t come to make sure Shuichi was eating.

His face was peaceful, and a little less the harsh business face he usually wore. He looked almost childish now that his face was relaxed. He hardly looked to be over twenty-five, let alone over thirty. He was so slender. Shuichi admitted that he was very beautiful. That had always been his impression watching Nittle Grasper. Ryuichi was just pure sex on stage. Tohma was beautiful, untouchable, and Noriko had always had that kick ass girl attitude. Together they were unforgettable.

Now, in the soft light from the streetlights outside the window, Tohma looked a little less threatening, almost vulnerable. Shuichi pulled a blanket silently off the back of the futon and pulled it over the sleeping keyboardist.

Tohma moaned and shifted, causing Shuichi to gasp and drop the blanket in shock, but the blond merely readjusted and continued to doze. Shuichi finished covering him up and gently touched the feathery hair.

"Goodnight Tohma," he whispered and returned to his room, content to know that someone was there.

~~

"I like you. You really seem to have it together." The brown-haired stranger looked at the smaller boy with the pink hair as he licked the sake off his lips. His eyes trailed down to the incredibly tight short shorts that left an expanse of creamy thigh to look at. It was hard to see around that stylish light trench the kid was wearing though and the man wondered if he could convince him to take it off.

"It’s hot in here isn’t it?"

"You know the problem is I want to go back to work. I do!" The boy slurred. "But what good does it do if I don’t have the inspiration.

The older man really wanted to inspire this little pink fluff. He rolled his eyes though. Couldn’t the kid take a hint?

"Hey, uh, Shuichi is your name right? You got a boyfriend around here?"

He saddened and the older man winced as he realized that this kid was either still brooding and thus wouldn’t want to put out, or he was on the rebound, in which case, the man might have an easy time of it. He wondered if he should ply the kid with another drink.

"He died just recently."

"Oh hey, Shuichi, I’m sorry." The man decided to go the compassionate route. It didn’t seem like it could have been too recently, seeing as the kid was out drinking and talking. "I know you don’t know me." He put a hand on the thin shoulder. "It might help to talk though... you know, get it off your mind."

The pink haired man looked up at him and the man tried to put on his best ‘friendly’ face. Shuichi looked at the hand on his shoulder. He was just about to say something when...

"Shindou-san!"

Shuichi gaped as the blond rock star walked into the bar, complete with feathered collar trench and black silk gloves, stylish shoes and probably a silk outfit underneath.

"Seguchi san! What are you doing here?"

Tohma eyed the stranger next to Shuichi, like he would a scuff on his shoe and waked up to the singer.

"I’m sorry," the blond apologized. "Hiro was worried about you."

"Hiro?" Shuichi asked, confused. "Why didn’t he call me?"

"Your phone isn’t working. Besides, he had Ayaka chan with him and Ryuichi volunteered me to go find you. He thought I would know where you were. This was my last resort," the blond replied and Shuichi understood. This was the bar that Yuki liked to meet people at. It was a little seedy compared to Tohma’s little martini jazz bar, but Yuki had liked it because he generally wasn’t recognized here.

"Well I’m fine." Shuichi said sullenly, downing the rest of his drink.

"You don’t look fine," Tohma put a hand on his arm. "Maybe I should take you

home."Shuichi pulled away. "Leave me alone Tohma," he pouted. "I’m not a child."

"I didn’t say you were Shindou-san. But Hiro told me you tend to be reckless when you’re drunk. You should let me take you home."

"Why?" Shuichi snapped, "Protecting your investment?"

The hurt look didn’t register in Shuichi’s addled philosophy. Tohma bit it back though, beginning to become angry.

"Hey, is this guy bothering you?" The man sitting next to Shuichi stood up, towering over the blond.

"Who are you?" Tohma asked, only just noticing the man. He looked disdainfully at the slightly smelly man.

"Why don’t you leave the kid alone? I don’t think he asked you here."

"What business is that of yours?" Tohma asked condescendingly. The man grabbed him by the shoulder, his big fingers digging into the man’s delicate shoulder. Tohma gasped at being manhandled but he couldn’t pull out of the strong grip.

The man turned back to Shuichi, who was watching this now, with a slightly scared look in his eyes.

"What do you want me to do with him?"

Shuichi jumped up.

"Let him go!"

The man eyed the sexy little bishounen, then the equally sexy, but trussed up man he had a hold of.

"What is he, your pimp or something? Ahh!"

The man crumpled as Shuichi kicked him full force in the side of his leg, hitting his common peroneal nerve in the process.

"Tohma," the pink haired boy swayed and pulled the tall blond toward the door. "Take me home."

~~

The key jingled in the lock as Tohma supported a drunken sick Shuichi inside. The blond dragged him in and shoved him roughly down onto the futon. The singer glared up at him.

"Hey! Watch it!"

"I don’t know what you thought you were doing." Tohma bit out. "But you have a responsibility to let one of us know where you are at all times."

"What are you, my mother?" Shuichi answered defiantly.

"I’m your boss, and, believe it or not, your friend. And you are fair game in a place like that."

"I’m a big boy, Tohma, I can take care of myself. It’s really no one’s business."

Tohma slapped him. He brought his hand to his cheek, surprised. The blond looked at him sternly.

"You’re being selfish Shindou san." The blond said inkily. "Now you’ve experienced real pain, you think that you’re justified in brooding about it and forgetting about everyone but yourself, the way Eiri san did? Or do you want to go out and end up like he did and damn your friends. Just go and get good and drunk and damn the rest of the world."

"Shut up!" The drunken singer yelled, pushing Tohma away. "Maybe if you hadn’t hired that freak, none of this would have happened! He ruined Yuki’s life and now Yuki’s dead! None of this would have happened! None of it."

Shuichi suddenly saw the look on Tohma’s face and got scared. The blond was shaking in anger as he backed away from Shuichi. His eyes were watering, even as he glared.

"Do you think I don’t think about that every day?" he choked out. "Do you think I don’t wonder, if I had just... just...If I could have kept it from happening, that he wouldn’t have been drinking that night? That he wouldn’t..."

Tohma suddenly looked around as if he were trapped. Shuichi was in the way of the door, so he did the next best thing. He darted down the hall and into Yuki’s bedroom, slamming the door. The sound was so loud it muffled out Shuichi’s weak response.

"It wasn’t your fault."

~~

Shuichi sat at the door, crumpled in a heap at the base.

"Tohma. I’m sorry. Please let me in. Come on Tohma! Please! I didn’t mean it. I say stupid things when I’m drunk." The signer hiccupped, but he didn’t feel so drunk now that he was home and it was quiet and Tohma was in the bedroom, being angry.

"Tohmaaaa!"

"Please come out.

After what seemed like hours, the door opened. Shuichi looked up from his place on the floor. Tohma looked collected again. He moved past Shuichi, not even looking down and headed for the door.

"You’re right Shindou san," he said calmly. "You don’t need me here. You’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. I see that now. I’ll expect you in the studio in the morning. You’ve missed quite enough work already."

Shuichi looked desperately at the retreating man. He sounded cold, distant again. He sounded final. Shuichi got up unsteadily.

"No, Tohma," he moved forward. "Don’t leave."

When he didn’t get a response as Tohma undid the latch, he ran forward and grabbed the taller musician’s arm harshly.

"You can’t leave Tohma!" He pulled hard and the man turned to face him.

Shuichi’s pleading died on his lips though as he saw the glassy look in Tohma’s eyes and felt wetness on his hand where he had grabbed him. He stared in shock at the blood that decorated his palm, but didn’t miss as Tohma swayed unsteadily on his feet and suddenly his eyes rolled back into his head and he fell forward. Shuichi caught him clumsily, almost folding under the man’s sudden ungainly weight, and let him down on the floor.

Frightened, he stripped the black satin gloves from the thin arms and cried out as they peeled away harshly from fresh scabbing and even fresher blood. Tohma’s arms were a web of cuts in every direction. Tohma mumbled incoherently and his eyes fluttered as he regained consciousness. Shuichi looked at him, horror in his eyes.

"Tohma, why?"

The blonde’s eyes cleared and he looked at his bloody wrist in Shuichi’s hand and back at the questioning blue eyes. He couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping his deep brown eyes to the hard wood of the floor.

"I’m sorry Shuichi," he whispered and met the blue eyes of the horrified boy with shame. "I’m not as strong as you."

Shuichi quickly ran to get the first aid kit. When returned, Tohma was getting up and picking up his gloves.

"I’m fine, you don’t have to worry about this."

"Go lie down on the bed." Shuichi growled, low in his throat, pulling the coat from the blonde’s shoulders. Tohma shook his head, but the glare from the smaller boy couldn’t be argued with. He went and lay down, his face turned to the wall.

Shuichi crawled to the inside of the bed so he could get to his arms. He begin washing them gently with a cloth before he began putting the peroxide on as gently as possible. Tohma wouldn’t look at him, but the silence was deafening, but in true form, Shuichi broke it.

"How could you do this to yourself."

Tohma shook his head numbly. "I couldn’t help it. Because it’s my fault," he

whispered."No. It’s not," the singer argued with fervor.

"If I hadn’t let it happen. If I had been more cautious." Tohma shook his head, almost talking to himself. Shuichi grabbed his blond hair roughly and made him face him.

"Yuki never blamed you for that," Shuichi harshly. "If Yuki doing something dumb was your fault, well it was just as much my fault. If he was so in love with me... if I made him as happy as you say I did, why did he drink himself into an early grave that night?"

Tohma just stared at him, tears trailing down his temples sideways. Shuichi dropped it and continued to clean Tohma’s bloody arms. When he had disinfected and gotten most of the bleeding staunched, he began to wrap the arms liberally in gauze from wrist to elbow. He shook his head.

"Damn, you artist types are so eccentric," he whined.

After a few minutes of silence, Tohma said quietly, "You’re an artist too you

know."Shuichi snorted. "Yeah, but I’m not crazy."

"I see, so screaming out to an entire press conference that you’re not like Nittle Grasper because you have a guitarist was completely sane?"

Shuichi looked searchingly at the blond. He was a little calmer now. His color was coming back. Shuichi combed his fingers through the sweaty blond hair.

"Go to sleep Tohma."

The blond laughed softly at being commanded by the pink-haired waif, and closed his eyes as Shuichi put the first aid kit away, then returned to sit at the side of the bed and rub his back.

He started singing and Tohma recognized an older Nittle Grasper song, one that he had written. This was also a song written for Yuki, but it had to do with letting go. Tohma sighed as the soft hand caressed his back. Had he really written that? He must have meant it at the time, but did he ever actually let go? Not really. That song had been written on letting go of Yuki as a lover, but continuing to protect him as a friend, but he had failed in that too.

He began to cry, sobbing softly as he turned his face into the pillow. None of the silent tears of before, but quiet, hiccoughing painful sobs into the mattress. Shuichi lay down beside him and pulled him into his small arms, murmuring nonsense words and ‘sh’ing’ the blond musician.

"It wasn’t your fault Tohma. You can’t blame yourself for this. You can’t."

Tohma couldn’t believe that, but neither could he find the strength to push away and regain his dignity. It was lost to Shuichi. The smaller man knew his pain, and now he knew his punishment. Even if Tohma wanted to escape, he had a feeling the tenacious little brat wouldn’t let him go. This was the magic of Shindou Shuichi. Once he was determined, he held on.

Tohma fell into an exhausted sleep in Shuichi’s arms.

~~

The blond woke up the next morning to sunshine on the bed. His first vision was of his bandaged arms, which were twisted up in front of his face as he lay on his side. On the chair by the bed were his black slacks and shoes. He could feel the warmth from the sun on his back, and the warmth of another human body on his stomach. He looked down to see a lump of pink and nightshirt curled up against him. He stared, entranced at the little sleeping ball of cute, who snored quietly against his chest.

Shuichi slowly blinked open his sleepy blue eyes to look at the taller man, who was staring down at him with confusion in his eyes. Shuichi came wide-awake as he realized where he was nestled. He didn’t move though, just stayed frozen, like a deer in headlights in that intense brown-eyed gaze.

Tohma shook his head wonderingly.

"I always wondered what he saw in you," the blond rasped out quietly. He laughed. "You’re such a brat." He reached down to touch a soft cheek. "You talk to much, you eat too much... and you never take things seriously. "

Shuichi looked up defiantly. "Hey."

Tohma put a hand on his pouting lips.

"You’re kind, you’re always bright and positive. You’re not threatening." Regret flashed through the brown eyes in a silent acknowledgement that he was and that’s why Yuki would never have wanted him. He smiled down at Shuichi then.

"I think I understand now," he whispered, "why Eiri chose you." Gently, he leaned down and touched his lips to the smaller man’s, teasing a soft kiss out of the surprised singer. Shuichi tasted sweet, unassuming and gentle, just as he expected. He pulled away. He laughed at the look of shock and wonder on the sleepy face.

"I understand completely." He rolled away and stared up at the ceiling, his hands clasped behind his head, feeling a little more relaxed than he had in a while.

Shuichi stared for a minute, or maybe ten, then a determined look took over his features. He rolled up and threw himself over Tohma, straddling the man and grabbing his

shoulders."Why did you do that?" He yelled. He looked at the shocked blond, at his deep brown eyes and his baby fine hair, and the emotion in his eyes that looked so familiar. "Why are you so confusing? Why?" He looked at the beautiful high cheekbones and the pulse beneath the pale throat that seemed a little fast. He looked at the parted pale pink lips that were slack and open in surprise and he couldn’t help himself.

He leaned down and kissed Seguchi Tohma.

Tohma gasped in surprise, his hands coming up, but Shuichi grabbed them gently and pushed them down. The taller blond struggled lightly at first, but Shuichi was quite strong and Tohma’s struggles were only half-hearted. He gave in and closed his eyes, letting the pink haired man coax Tohma’s tongue into his small mouth.

Shuichi closed his eyes as well and sighed as he continued to kiss the blond, finally getting a response. Tohma ran his hands down Shuichi’s back and along his waist, almost as if he was petting a cat. It was soothing and wonderful. Shuichi arched into it and buried his hands in the soft blond hair of the taller man, deepening the kiss when Tohma’s hand brushed along a sensitive spot on his left hip. He mewled softly and squirmed.

It felt so nice, so good. He had liked the way the rake thin body squirmed under his and the feel of the delicate fingers dancing along his back and sides. He felt himself harden against the body beneath him and broke the kiss in shock. They stared at each other in mutual surprise, breathing heavily. The blush on Tohma’s cheeks betrayed his own reaction and he tried to shake his head.

"No," but there was desire in those chocolate eyes.

Shuichi laced his small fingers through Tohma’s long nimble ones and descended

again."Yes."

Shuichi wasn’t sure what he was doing, but there was something inside, begging to get out. All the tension, all the blunt dull pain. Suddenly, his body was crying out for attention and he could feel the urgency to do something physical and animal and exhausting, but he needed the emotional too. He could see the same light in Tohma’s eyes and he was never one to hold back.

He pressed his slightly open mouth onto Tohma’s and kissed him again, licking the lips gently before dancing his small pointed tongue along the man’s small ear, which was tinged with pink as well. Tohma moaned in earnest and turned his head to the side, letting Shuichi slip the slick muscle into the sensitive depth of his ear, causing the blond to let out a strangled cry. Shuichi unzipped the black silk shirt that Tohma still wore, moving to suck on a pale nipple and rubbing his arousal against Tohma’s growing one. Tohma sobbed in pleasure again and mustered all his strength to break the singer’s hold, but he was still weak and Shuichi had the benefit of gravity to keep the upper hand.

"Shuichi," but there wasn’t much force behind the raspy plea.

Shuichi moaned and ground his hips against Tohma’s, making the man buck his hips in response and stop struggling.

"Shuichi..."

"Mmh. Need you." Shuichi whined. He peeled off his own t-shirt and threw it to the side. Then he plastered himself against the lanky body beneath him and kissed and licked down Tohma’s front, quickly slipping his hand into the silk boxers he wore.

Tohma sighed in resignation and pleasure as a warm mouth eased around his arousal and sucked gently. His hands fisted in the sheets before he moved them to settle in Shuichi’s soft pink hair. He gasped and thrust shallowly into the tight lips that caressed him. He was painfully hard when Shuichi pulled away. Tohma gasped and looked down, wondering if the singer had come to his senses and decided to stop, but Shuichi smiled down at him and reached his hand above the bed to dip into a bowl on the windowsill.

He climbed back on top of Tohma and kissed him again. This time, Tohma kissed back, claiming Shuichi’s mouth with his tongue as he ran his fingers through pink hair. He moaned in need as a small hand slathered oil all over his aching cock. With almost no preparation, but plenty of oil, Shuichi pushed himself down, sliding easily around Tohma’s slick shaft. He grimaced a little, but sighed in pleasure at the incredible feeling of being filled and drove his willing body onto it with abandon.

Tohma cried out again and closed his eyes, thrusting up to meet the writhing body on top of him. He grabbed Shuichi’s hips to hold him steady and pull him down harder. Shuichi moved faster, mewling in pleasure and driving Tohma deeper and deeper within himself until he couldn’t hold back any longer. He grabbed his own swollen member with his oiled hand and pumped hard.

He was startled when Tohma growled and rolled them over, but he quickly adjusted and wrapped his legs around the slender waist, watching the graceful man thrust into him, his eyes closed, while Shuichi continued to pleasure himself between their heated, perspiring bodies.

Tohma leaned down and kissed him again as he moved and the slender tongue filling his mouth was what set off Shuichi’s sudden orgasm. He jerked and pumped himself harder, tightening his legs and pulling the blond deep inside of him, crying out and spraying them both. He felt Tohma shudder against him and the warm proof of completion inside of him as the tall man pumped twice more before falling softly into Shuichi’s trembling arms.

He rolled them both over so they were on their sides and pulled out gently, cleaning them off with a sheet. He held the still shaking man to his chest, part of him screaming that they shouldn’t have done this, that it was wrong, that Shuichi was just being typical and plowing into something headfirst, without thinking, but another part of him felt a warmth he hadn’t felt in a long time. Shuichi cuddled into his chest murmuring and he stroked his hand down the heated soft skin of his back, holding him closer. As crazy as it seemed, holding the young man in his arms made him feel closer to Eiri than he could ever have been in life. But it was still wrong. This had more to do with stress relief than anything else. Shuichi would regret it later and Tohma knew he would have to fix this, distance himself again. He kissed the boys head and soothed him to sleep before he left.

~~

Everyone welcomed the genki singer back whole heartedly when he walked into NG studios two days later. He smiled and hugged Hiro warmly. He even smacked a big kiss on Suguru’s cheek, making the cross boy blush and stutter angrily, yelling about how worried they had all been. Shuichi beat his chest and leapt on top of the table, yelling that it was time to get back to work. Then, from the pocket of his yellow trench coat, he pulled out a stack of small papers, each with a new song on them and littered them about the studio. Sakano almost fainted in relief and picked the papers up one by one.

As he bent to grab one, though, another hand grabbed the paper instead. Shuichi froze as he saw his idol, Sakuma Ryuichi read the song intently, Kumagorou limp in his left hand. He looked up, with that look in his eyes, the one that spoke infinite wisdom. He smiled and handed the song back to Shuichi.

"It’s good," he said. "You should show Tohma." He continued to stare at the singer on the table, with that gaze that knew too much. Shuichi couldn’t tear his eyes away. He never could, not from Sakuma Ryuichi. His own eyes hardened and he nodded.

~~

A knock on the door brought Tohma from his paperwork.

"Come in," he said absently, looking the most recent articles on Bad Luck. When the flash of pink hair danced through his peripheral vision, he looked up suddenly.

"Ah, Shindou-san," the look of unhappiness at Tohma’s returning to the formal was not lost on the blond, but he pressed on. "It’s good to see you back at work," he gestured to the magazines in front of him. "Everyone seems to be asking about you." He gestured to a picture of a teenage girl holding a large sign that read ‘We love you Shuichi!’ on

it.Shuichi was silent and Tohma stopped the small talk. He looked out the window instead as Shuichi stood there at the corner of his desk, too close for comfort. A piece of paper was placed on top of the magazine.

"I wrote a new song, Tohma."

The blond read the words carefully. "The End of Goodbye" It was clearly written to Yuki. It was good. Tohma looked back up.

"When I woke up, you were gone. You just left. You wouldn’t answer my calls. Did I do something wrong?" The pain in Shuichi’s voice plucked at Tohma’s sensitive nerves and he closed his eyes and shook his head.

"No, Shindou-san, you didn’t do anything wrong. I did. We shouldn’t have done it."

"I know," Shuichi said quietly.

"I shouldn’t have take advantage of you like that," Tohma continued. "I could have stopped it and I didn’t."

Shuichi just stared at him.

"I’ve arranged for a different recording company to sign you on if you’re no longer comfortable working at NG. They’re a bigger company anyway, you might find..."

"Take off your gloves."

"Eh?" Tohma looked at Shuichi who moved even closer.

"Take them off."

The taller man understood and slowly peeled the gloves off his small wrists. Shuichi looked and sighed in relief. With absolutely no sense of tact, forethought or hesitation, he sank to his knees and put his head on Tohma’s lap.

"Why did you leave?" his voice shook. "Don’t you like me?"

Tohma gave in to the urge and laced his fingers into the pink hair.

"Of course I like you Shindou-san. But you’re confused right now," he replied. "I can’t be Yuki Eiri. I can’t replace him. I know you’re lonely right now. I shouldn’t have taken advantage of your emotions like that..."

Shuichi looked up angrily. "You’re doing it again! Stop treating me like a child, like I don’t know what I want!"

Tohma closed his eyes. "You don’t know what you want."

Shuichi sat on his lap, surprising him. His hands came up automatically and grasped Shuichi’s waist. The singer looked into his eyes.

"Ok, maybe I don’t," he started playing with the blonde’s hair while he spoke. "You looked so lonely though. I don’t regret what I did Tohma." Shuichi’s gaze hardened and he glared at the keyboardist. "I did that, not you. If anything, I’m the one who took advantage of you."

He hugged the man, laying his head on one bony shoulder.

"If it didn’t mean anything to you, I understand," he said shakily. "But I do like you... and I don’t think I can do this alone. We’re both lonely. Maybe we shouldn’t move so fast, and maybe it won’t work out. But isn’t it worth a try? Tohma? Isn’t it?"

Tohma was silent and the smaller man lifted his head and looked at the brown eyes, expecting rejection. Instead, he was met with humor, disbelief, confusion and something else in those chocolate depths. Tohma wound his arms around Shuichi’s lower back and shook his head.

"You just don’t know how to give up do you... Shuichi."

The boy smiled, shook his head ‘no’ and licked his lips, leaning down to steal a kiss from the blond. The response he received was not unwelcome and it was a while before he left that office.

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